it's over. is it?
I feel you talk to me as if we were in some sort of business relationship. Or in a relationship affected by a severe dysfunction, in which feelings don't matter at least as long as the dysfunction has been fixed.
this is not what I want. I am a normal person. I interact in a normal way. sometimes I sound impatient, other times I'm the easiest woman on Earth, other times I'm ironic or sarcastic or whatever, sometimes I can say the hardest things in the sweetest way, sometimes I'm supportive, other times I need support and protection myself, sometimes I laugh sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm deep other times I'm superficial and so on. this is just normal, 'cos I'm human. I don't want to feel like some sort of intern in this relationship who has to prove or improve skills, defend statements, earn credibility or anything, whose work is constantly being analysed and to obtain a final score even the photocopies I might have done wrong the first day will count. it's just something I cannot relate to. I am who I am. and I am loving and caring and clever and flexible and optimistic and many other things. I can no longer be afraid of what I might say or do for fear of your reaction and most of all the duration of your reaction. I can no longer accept that so many of the things I have to share with the one I love who's supposed to love me back and be pretty much on my same wavelength are always and irremediably turned into a linguistic issue and ultimately into a communication/understanding problem. you must have come to the conclusion it's a always a linguistic problem because the lack of understanding is always unilateral. it is true that YOU do not understand ME and never or rarely the other way round, but not because we use your language and I misuse it, or I'm not willing to back up the statements I make, explain them etc. A couple is not a law suit, I am not a defendant and our relationship shouldn't feel like a trial. YOU do not understand ME because you don't accept how I am. because the way my brain works and makes me express myself is not compatible with the way you expect me to function. And that will never change. To me, us here, still discussing something I have said four years ago is totally surreal. It makes me want to pinch my arm to see if I'm awake, just to use an euphemism. To me, you not being able to subside on something so trifle and petty as "why did I send you a text message to inform you I'm not getting a magazine when I didn't have the issue number etc" is painful. it's terribly painful to see that not even once in a while you can take things in an easier way and say to yourself "whatever" and move on. And I'm just taking random examples, But I could quote many more. I realised this is not what my nature is nor what I want it to be, I keep hearing from you that I'm not reasonable, that I "don't consider my audience" that I don't make any sense, I don't care etc. I can no longer stand that. I want to live my life in a normal way. I'm done with problems I would not consider problems at all, that get in the way of my happiness all the time, that become bigger and bigger and that will never find a solution because, Adam, I know you don't have any hidden agenda, I know you're true when you say all you want is to understand me, but sad to say, that is not the problem. the help you need might be something I could provide to you, but it isn't help in the understanding the things I said or I would say. 90% of our arguments were not a question of understanding/explaining. and I'm splitting hairs by saying 90% and not 100%. Because to me, in a normal couple misunderstandings, disagreements, any sort of contrasts, changes of mood etc. should be handled in a different way. A couple to me is the constant searching of a balance between two human beings who find out they love each other, who find out the time they spend together is better than the time they spend doing something else, even when they argue, even when they disagree, even when they don't understand each other, a couple is two humans who cling to each other, and love each other BECAUSE of the way they are, flaws and qualities included. A couple is two human beings who were strangers and at some point realise they want to know each other, 'cos getting to know each other feels so good, and the constant shifting back and forth between the feelings of "home" of "safety" and intimacy and the awe of discovering new things of each other acts as a magnet and keeps them together. A couple is building up a domain where there's room for all feelings, where minds and bodies communicate, where even without words, simply with a wink, a look a gesture two persons understand each other and love each other because of that wink that look that gesture. because they identify winks looks, gestures, tones of voice etc. as unique, as belonging to the one they love, and they're not afraid of each other, they rely on each other, they forgive each other for the momentary lapses that will happen at some point BECAUSE they are a couple and they love each other.
we did not work as a couple, it's sad to admit that. I deluded myself for so long that given the feelings I have (and will always have to you) and the love I felt you were able to give me, at some point our differences would if not disappear at least get smoother and stop making us argue.
I thought we'd make it, I thought our love would prevail. it won't. it makes me ache to realise it. our relationship did not work. it has become a war field, our discourse feels like a text that needs to be proof-read, edited, and the mistakes are too many, and the publisher, the editors are desperately trying to fix it, but they disagree about everything, and meanwhile new paragraphs are added, the plot is not going anywhere, new mistakes are increasing in number, and the old ones are still there. "it was supposed to be a poem" someone says and the other one says "no, to me it's supposed to be a scientific dissertation".
I don't see what else we can do. Giving up seems to be he only option. times goes by, and I wonder where are my children? where's the place I can call home? this is what I want to be busy with. Not how I can back up a statement about 9/11, or muslim women or a broom and a stick. Not why I didn't confirm a flight a year ago and missed a plane or two or three. I missed one, I took another one. Life is too short.
I'll miss you adam, there are things of you I'll never find in someone else. I'm giving up not because I've fallen out of love but because of all the above.
I did my best too, maybe one day you'll understand that. And no, I am not happy, this is not what I wanted it to be, I wanted a love that would last forever, I wanted you to be with me for the rest of our life. I say "too bad" too.
I don't know how to change things. you keep holing against me that " I get angry at you for no reason". There are things you're not seeing, either.
I know you don't want anything more than to understand me, but this is not the problem. wanting to understand things that are not explainable, is the problem. not accepting that there's nothing to explain and nothing to understand. I've been given no reason to think this will change either.
I don't know if this is the right decision. It's the only option we have left. I tried my best too. It didn't work.
what makes me cry right now, the reason I have tears I cannot stop, as I stare at my monitor and see your words below, is the thought of your look, your smile, and the love I felt brimming out of myself the very night of the broom incident, when we danced around your dining table and ate chocolate together. If it were for me, that's all I'd keep of that night. To you the few impatient tired words I might have said jump out more. this is what makes us incompatible and unable to keep going. Can you name a single episode that makes you say "I was so happy with cama the day we....." ?
well, I could, I could fill pages and pages of moments of pure and true happiness with you. To you, right now, I'm little more than my statements, my (not even that frequent and totally legitimate) impatient words, my not existent anger. it is so: I've honestly never been really angry at you, of anger that makes love temporarily disappear, of anger that can't be healed. never. I might have snapped a few times, well, who doesn't. you've done it too. yet, when I think of you that's not what fills the scene. I might have said "You make me angry". there's a depth a story a complexity behind words that goes beyond their literal meaning. it's not as simple as "don't say things you don't mean". saying "I'm angry" doesn't always mean "I'm angry, and I'm angry at you" . "I'm angry" or any other basic emotional statement as I could have said it to you is more "I'm angry at the idea that right now things are not what I want them to be and I think you're the cause they're not what I want them to be, but since I love you it's hard to accept and I've already forgiven you for that, yet I need to express the knot of anger I feel to make it disappear and I do that by stating it in its basic form: I'm angry". those are the things people who love each other are usually able to understand without words. or learn to understand as they get to know each other.
for us, of all people, that did not work. it's just the way you are and the way I am.
I tried, too. and tried hard. and I'd rather being unable to write than being writing these words. it did not work. maybe we tried the wrong way. or we didn't try hard or long enough, maybe as I believe, we tried in the wrong direction.
what else can we do? what do you want me to do or say? I have no energy left. you're far, and distant and stuck on your point of view.
not long ago I was still hoping you'd call me to say you had accepted my "invitation" for thanksgiving, I was hoping I'd see you this thursday and finally hug you again, and move on, and put things back on their track with the strength of a hug. How silly of me. that's not how it works for you.
and if we cannot move on, turn the page together, then all we can do is to move on separately. I don't see another option. I want to move on.
it's a goodbye we're saying to each other, it doesn't change how much I've loved you, mim, but believe me, there's nothing else we can do.>
this is not what I want. I am a normal person. I interact in a normal way. sometimes I sound impatient, other times I'm the easiest woman on Earth, other times I'm ironic or sarcastic or whatever, sometimes I can say the hardest things in the sweetest way, sometimes I'm supportive, other times I need support and protection myself, sometimes I laugh sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm deep other times I'm superficial and so on. this is just normal, 'cos I'm human. I don't want to feel like some sort of intern in this relationship who has to prove or improve skills, defend statements, earn credibility or anything, whose work is constantly being analysed and to obtain a final score even the photocopies I might have done wrong the first day will count. it's just something I cannot relate to. I am who I am. and I am loving and caring and clever and flexible and optimistic and many other things. I can no longer be afraid of what I might say or do for fear of your reaction and most of all the duration of your reaction. I can no longer accept that so many of the things I have to share with the one I love who's supposed to love me back and be pretty much on my same wavelength are always and irremediably turned into a linguistic issue and ultimately into a communication/understanding problem. you must have come to the conclusion it's a always a linguistic problem because the lack of understanding is always unilateral. it is true that YOU do not understand ME and never or rarely the other way round, but not because we use your language and I misuse it, or I'm not willing to back up the statements I make, explain them etc. A couple is not a law suit, I am not a defendant and our relationship shouldn't feel like a trial. YOU do not understand ME because you don't accept how I am. because the way my brain works and makes me express myself is not compatible with the way you expect me to function. And that will never change. To me, us here, still discussing something I have said four years ago is totally surreal. It makes me want to pinch my arm to see if I'm awake, just to use an euphemism. To me, you not being able to subside on something so trifle and petty as "why did I send you a text message to inform you I'm not getting a magazine when I didn't have the issue number etc" is painful. it's terribly painful to see that not even once in a while you can take things in an easier way and say to yourself "whatever" and move on. And I'm just taking random examples, But I could quote many more. I realised this is not what my nature is nor what I want it to be, I keep hearing from you that I'm not reasonable, that I "don't consider my audience" that I don't make any sense, I don't care etc. I can no longer stand that. I want to live my life in a normal way. I'm done with problems I would not consider problems at all, that get in the way of my happiness all the time, that become bigger and bigger and that will never find a solution because, Adam, I know you don't have any hidden agenda, I know you're true when you say all you want is to understand me, but sad to say, that is not the problem. the help you need might be something I could provide to you, but it isn't help in the understanding the things I said or I would say. 90% of our arguments were not a question of understanding/explaining. and I'm splitting hairs by saying 90% and not 100%. Because to me, in a normal couple misunderstandings, disagreements, any sort of contrasts, changes of mood etc. should be handled in a different way. A couple to me is the constant searching of a balance between two human beings who find out they love each other, who find out the time they spend together is better than the time they spend doing something else, even when they argue, even when they disagree, even when they don't understand each other, a couple is two humans who cling to each other, and love each other BECAUSE of the way they are, flaws and qualities included. A couple is two human beings who were strangers and at some point realise they want to know each other, 'cos getting to know each other feels so good, and the constant shifting back and forth between the feelings of "home" of "safety" and intimacy and the awe of discovering new things of each other acts as a magnet and keeps them together. A couple is building up a domain where there's room for all feelings, where minds and bodies communicate, where even without words, simply with a wink, a look a gesture two persons understand each other and love each other because of that wink that look that gesture. because they identify winks looks, gestures, tones of voice etc. as unique, as belonging to the one they love, and they're not afraid of each other, they rely on each other, they forgive each other for the momentary lapses that will happen at some point BECAUSE they are a couple and they love each other.
we did not work as a couple, it's sad to admit that. I deluded myself for so long that given the feelings I have (and will always have to you) and the love I felt you were able to give me, at some point our differences would if not disappear at least get smoother and stop making us argue.
I thought we'd make it, I thought our love would prevail. it won't. it makes me ache to realise it. our relationship did not work. it has become a war field, our discourse feels like a text that needs to be proof-read, edited, and the mistakes are too many, and the publisher, the editors are desperately trying to fix it, but they disagree about everything, and meanwhile new paragraphs are added, the plot is not going anywhere, new mistakes are increasing in number, and the old ones are still there. "it was supposed to be a poem" someone says and the other one says "no, to me it's supposed to be a scientific dissertation".
I don't see what else we can do. Giving up seems to be he only option. times goes by, and I wonder where are my children? where's the place I can call home? this is what I want to be busy with. Not how I can back up a statement about 9/11, or muslim women or a broom and a stick. Not why I didn't confirm a flight a year ago and missed a plane or two or three. I missed one, I took another one. Life is too short.
I'll miss you adam, there are things of you I'll never find in someone else. I'm giving up not because I've fallen out of love but because of all the above.
I did my best too, maybe one day you'll understand that. And no, I am not happy, this is not what I wanted it to be, I wanted a love that would last forever, I wanted you to be with me for the rest of our life. I say "too bad" too.
I don't know how to change things. you keep holing against me that " I get angry at you for no reason". There are things you're not seeing, either.
I know you don't want anything more than to understand me, but this is not the problem. wanting to understand things that are not explainable, is the problem. not accepting that there's nothing to explain and nothing to understand. I've been given no reason to think this will change either.
I don't know if this is the right decision. It's the only option we have left. I tried my best too. It didn't work.
what makes me cry right now, the reason I have tears I cannot stop, as I stare at my monitor and see your words below, is the thought of your look, your smile, and the love I felt brimming out of myself the very night of the broom incident, when we danced around your dining table and ate chocolate together. If it were for me, that's all I'd keep of that night. To you the few impatient tired words I might have said jump out more. this is what makes us incompatible and unable to keep going. Can you name a single episode that makes you say "I was so happy with cama the day we....." ?
well, I could, I could fill pages and pages of moments of pure and true happiness with you. To you, right now, I'm little more than my statements, my (not even that frequent and totally legitimate) impatient words, my not existent anger. it is so: I've honestly never been really angry at you, of anger that makes love temporarily disappear, of anger that can't be healed. never. I might have snapped a few times, well, who doesn't. you've done it too. yet, when I think of you that's not what fills the scene. I might have said "You make me angry". there's a depth a story a complexity behind words that goes beyond their literal meaning. it's not as simple as "don't say things you don't mean". saying "I'm angry" doesn't always mean "I'm angry, and I'm angry at you" . "I'm angry" or any other basic emotional statement as I could have said it to you is more "I'm angry at the idea that right now things are not what I want them to be and I think you're the cause they're not what I want them to be, but since I love you it's hard to accept and I've already forgiven you for that, yet I need to express the knot of anger I feel to make it disappear and I do that by stating it in its basic form: I'm angry". those are the things people who love each other are usually able to understand without words. or learn to understand as they get to know each other.
for us, of all people, that did not work. it's just the way you are and the way I am.
I tried, too. and tried hard. and I'd rather being unable to write than being writing these words. it did not work. maybe we tried the wrong way. or we didn't try hard or long enough, maybe as I believe, we tried in the wrong direction.
what else can we do? what do you want me to do or say? I have no energy left. you're far, and distant and stuck on your point of view.
not long ago I was still hoping you'd call me to say you had accepted my "invitation" for thanksgiving, I was hoping I'd see you this thursday and finally hug you again, and move on, and put things back on their track with the strength of a hug. How silly of me. that's not how it works for you.
and if we cannot move on, turn the page together, then all we can do is to move on separately. I don't see another option. I want to move on.
it's a goodbye we're saying to each other, it doesn't change how much I've loved you, mim, but believe me, there's nothing else we can do.>
posted by mm at 6:54 AM
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